Fear.

What exactly is stopping me? What makes me feel so down right depressing? Why am I having so much confusing thoughts and feel so insecure? Why am I so in-confident?

Fear. Or is it?

I have a diploma now. Does it helps? To me does it helps?

I have scored all As and Bs, by right it's good scores. So why do I feel so scared?

Could it be because I met yet another bump in the last job, one I thought I would come to love and work hard in? Instead, I ran away from all those scary chores which by the way, most people have no problems with? What's so scary about with numbers and logistic you asked me? Why am I having so much problems with?

I have no answers, unless you think having problems counting the exact total amount of envelopes is a catastrophe. And that, to my horror, was really a catastrophe. Yup. I hated myself for this. Not only I'm bad at numbers, but I'm bad at details too. I could cry as I typed this.

How to explain to people that I tried doing details and numbers, only to have supervisors and employers screaming at me for simple tasks done wrong? I can't bear another sight of those tasks anymore. So I'm going to look for a job that I love...

Only that what do I love? *blank*, *murky thoughts*, *more blanks*.

Great. Simply great. It feels like my life's been pushed with the 'pause' button. I have no jobs now. I stay at home all the time because it saves money and I feel this consistent tiredness.

I pray for that mustard seed of faith to see me through and now I so afraid all the time.

I'm not going to ask why all these things happened to me because it's a waste of time. I'm going to ask for a way to get what I want and I'm going to ask for all the courage, confidence, faith and patience for that wonderful job I want.

As for other questions like, 'why aren't you visiting your father or grandmother?' I said... Nothing. NOTHING.

Cold blooded? Anger? Sadness? Nothing. I locked them up and there's no way I can find out now. HECK.

ii will always believe... 9/22/2010 03:41:00 AM