Have you ever listened to a song and you felt emotional? Memory surged and emotions swelled so much it had to count to ten to calm down? 

Labels: Emo

ii will always believe... 10/14/2013 12:55:00 PM

After 3 years being away from this blog, I'm back again. Read through my past posts and it seems like I've never change at all. I'm still pretty negative, still hiding and still exploding every now and then.

Labels: Goals

ii will always believe... 10/09/2013 10:27:00 PM

I had came across an article that said, " When you feel abandoned by God yet continue to trust him, you worship him in the deepest way".

Now, what is trust? what is faith? I do not mean to criticize but to actually question what faith and trust really means? Faith, what a simple word that has more meaning that it looks. Dictionary.com explained faith as:

1. confidence or trust in a person or thing
2. belief that is not based on proof
3. allegiance or loyalty to a duty or a person
4. complete trust or confidence in a person or remedy

And of course, there are more explanations but it all boils to this: trust.

To have faith means to trust? So, what is the meaning of trust?

1. a person on whom or a thing on which one relies: God is my trust
2. to have confidence or hope
3. to rely on or place confidence in someone or something
4. to believe

To have faith means to trust and to trust means to believe or to rely?

No wonder we can not explain clearly what is faith and what is to trust someone or to believe.

What a weird world.

ii will always believe... 10/28/2010 06:22:00 PM

Have you ever wonder what is it in your life you must do? What is that thing that you have to complete or to learn?

Some people said, learning is never ending. They will find ways to study, to gain knowledge, to feel, to be perceived and be smart. Some prefer to live their life with enjoyment and contentment. Some live a life in a journey of learning that is so different from other people, they learn about spiritual, about what is life, about love and about anything that can bring them closer to the source - that is, God. Now you see, everyone of them is right about learning. But the problem arise when each of them tried to convinced each other that what they are thinking about or what they perceived learning as is correct. They get into fights, quarrels and debates to insist on their opinions and views.

What is the point? Why force your thoughts on other people? Those who won, get away feeling more superior and happy while those who lost felt so bad about themselves, having doubts and cursed the winners in the meaningless debatings. Sometimes, 'losers' get so extreme that they decided to use excuses like 'God sent me to save this world' or 'God wants me to do this' to harm another. Again, what is the point?

We all die one day. Face it. I might die tomorrow, you might die anytime, people can not choose their time to die. So why do we still try so badly to prove to other people that their God is the true God instead of living their own life loving their own God and live in peace?

If there is a choice between living a long but meaningless life and living a short yet meaningful life, which will you choose? Of course most of us will say we choose the latter at the drop of a pin. But is that really the case? Just think about his, have we really living the life we chose with our words? Most of us live a life of dull, meaningless days that kill us inside days after days. But what do we do? We denied and we conformed to those who choose to live a life they want or they lead. What happened next is that we complained, we whined, and we fought with those at the top that they do not care enough, do not really want to make positive changes in our life. Guess what? It is TRUE they do not care. But do you think complains, whining and quarrels can get what you want? It only brings more troubles, more sorrows and disappointments.

Does it worth it to live this life?

To wake up everyday realizing you have lost your smiles, your passion for life, for food, for love and for everything? To live your life learning about how to suck up to other people's ideas, views, opinions? To sleep your days off knowing you have forget to laugh truly, to cares from within, to know the truth?

What is worthy? What is love? What is happiness? What is joy and finally what is this peace that sounded familiar yet never truly experienced? Now, the final question is - where is God? Where do we find Him/Her?

Is God in our hearts? In the universe? Everywhere? Where exactly?

Now my question is, dear God, where are You?

I am too stupid to get Your hints, too lost and confused to find You and also too tired to search for You. Dear God, have you forgotten me? Have You decided to ignore this little, tiny me in this great world of the infinite universe? Have You?

Some went searching for Him/Her in the forests, near the waterfalls, at quiet places, at other countries and all over the world. But really, WHERE IS GOD?

ii will always believe... 10/16/2010 10:24:00 PM

I have been living in Singapore ever since my mama popped me here and never in my life did I realised Fair Price NTUC makes deliveries! Right to your door steps and it's even cheaper than flower deliveries. WOW.

www.fairprice.com.sg

Though the prices of the groceries are not as cheap as other shops, examples like the prices of Dove soap bar costed so much more when compared to shops like 'Tomato' so and so; nevertheless, the easy convenience of simply typing on pc and expecting your deliveries within the same day when you ordered your stuff. That is, if you ordered before 9.30am.

You just simply pay a whooping of $8 for every orders that costed $100 and below and $5 for $100 and above.

WOW. So much for the geeks who prefer to stay at home huh?

ii will always believe... 10/14/2010 08:19:00 PM

I couldn't believe I spent the night cramming my blog with a horror story. Well, it's been a long time since I came up with horror... I don't think it was scary enough and I think if ah mei read it, she might laugh. LOL!

But hey~ Since there's nightmares and weird thoughts, I might as well turn them into stories. However Meys Beach was the first attempt after, like, many donkey years? Inspiration from Rainie's latest horror movie. Well... I am happie aboutthe story I came up with but time to hit my pillow~

Next time, maybe, I will come up with more blood and glore. Maybe. Or maybe not. Haha~

ii will always believe... 10/14/2010 08:07:00 AM

Fear.

What exactly is stopping me? What makes me feel so down right depressing? Why am I having so much confusing thoughts and feel so insecure? Why am I so in-confident?

Fear. Or is it?

I have a diploma now. Does it helps? To me does it helps?

I have scored all As and Bs, by right it's good scores. So why do I feel so scared?

Could it be because I met yet another bump in the last job, one I thought I would come to love and work hard in? Instead, I ran away from all those scary chores which by the way, most people have no problems with? What's so scary about with numbers and logistic you asked me? Why am I having so much problems with?

I have no answers, unless you think having problems counting the exact total amount of envelopes is a catastrophe. And that, to my horror, was really a catastrophe. Yup. I hated myself for this. Not only I'm bad at numbers, but I'm bad at details too. I could cry as I typed this.

How to explain to people that I tried doing details and numbers, only to have supervisors and employers screaming at me for simple tasks done wrong? I can't bear another sight of those tasks anymore. So I'm going to look for a job that I love...

Only that what do I love? *blank*, *murky thoughts*, *more blanks*.

Great. Simply great. It feels like my life's been pushed with the 'pause' button. I have no jobs now. I stay at home all the time because it saves money and I feel this consistent tiredness.

I pray for that mustard seed of faith to see me through and now I so afraid all the time.

I'm not going to ask why all these things happened to me because it's a waste of time. I'm going to ask for a way to get what I want and I'm going to ask for all the courage, confidence, faith and patience for that wonderful job I want.

As for other questions like, 'why aren't you visiting your father or grandmother?' I said... Nothing. NOTHING.

Cold blooded? Anger? Sadness? Nothing. I locked them up and there's no way I can find out now. HECK.

ii will always believe... 9/22/2010 03:41:00 AM

OH MY BAG OF OLD BONES!!!

Ouch! OuChhh! OOOUCH!!!!

But at least I didn't puke from running today. Unlike the other day when I tried to run around our home, I saw stars and puked when reached home.

Yup. Oh boy. I can't believe I puked. That was the first time I saw stars and swirling circles... HAHAHAHAHahaha! Oh boy...

And today, despite the heavy rain (thanks di, thanks ar. *suaning* =P), together with my di, we actually headed to the gym! First time in my whole life time wor! I felt like a dork there, unsure what to do and what to try.

First I tried cycling, but was bored after 5 minutes and tried this machine which seem like stepping and once I started stepping on it, it was like running. Stayed there for like 15 minutes..? Or more..? I couldn't remember now but I went back to cycling for 20 minutes and another type of cycling for 20 mintues.

To my horror, I almost fell down from weak knees when I finished cycling! I tried to go take shower but this cruel di di said he and his friend had just started on their workouts. OH BOY...

And then, I tried running. HAha! I managed to keep running for 20 mintues without stopping~ YEAH!

Of course I rushed to take a shower straight after that and kept pumping myself with water. Thank God for the hot water in the shower~ It feels great to take a shower after a workout... Until the aching kicks in, that is.

Now I'm armed with yoko yoko and the joint pain relief cream and perhaps even those big plaster that can relieve pain later right before I sleep. ACHES!!!!!! I HATE ACHES!

My mum, kept laughing at my didi and I because I walked like a duck and he looked stoned. Only that he's stoned from muscles training and not drugs, those drug junkies should try this gym things... It will give the same achings and stoned look without headache, a bonus!

... If I have to do this once every week... *HORRIFIED!!!!! (>O<)* I can't believe my mum after laughing at me suggested that my didi and I should go every week! AhHHhhhHHh!!!

I'm gonna hug my sister's yoko yoko and thank God for such wonderful creation~ *mucking my yoko yoko... Just kidding~ LOL*

ii will always believe... 6/07/2010 12:11:00 AM

Have you ever try to type something into your blog and found no words in your mind? But once you get away from your pc, you have tons of things to share, to bitch, to whine and to trash? AhhHh, then I'm not alone. Haha.

Something interesting to know, the word bitch means:

1. a female dog
2. to complain
3. something difficult or someone who is difficult

Wow... I didn't know to bitch about something is to complain about something, I always thought it's to gossip. However, the word gossip has a more terrible meaning:

1. talk or writing about the private affairs of other people, especially when the comments are nasty, spiteful or untrue.
2. to gossip is to talk about the private affairs of others, especially in a nasty or critical way.

Double wow there. I thought gossip is simply just talking behind people's back and nothing serious. I mean gossip can really hurt people. Eeks!

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I think I'm going mad. Sometimes I feel I can do all things with strength but sometimes I just want to cover myself up in my bed and sleep all day and all night. I wonder what really ticks me off and makes me sad or why am I throwing temper so frequently nowadays.

Yes, I like to distance myself away from people. Yes, I want to be alone and mourn for god knows what. And yes, I find myself cry when alone.

And then, I feel utterly stupid from all these issues. Therefore, I like to distance myself from everyone including my friends. Now I just want to cover myself up in darkness alone for I feel so ashame when I have these emotions.

But what a joke, I feel other people is okay to feel all these emotions. Anyone but me. Ego or high expectation?

Just how to love myself more? Just how to let go? Just how is it people think it's easy? All the crap and talks. Oh boy, now I'm judging other people.

I feel guilty, horrified and tired.

ii will always believe... 6/04/2010 11:40:00 PM

I always know that we are going to move away from our house. But I did not it would be this hard. I did not know it could get so sad, so tough, so angry and unbearable at times. I have no words to describle how I feel to other people except maybe, "I'm upset now." or even stop telling other people about what happened to me and just stay at home and cry my heart out.



I know people around me said that I am been dramatic or even emotional. But those are often people who are not there for me. When I'm upset, in order not to bring my emotions to them too, I hide from everyone.



How does it feels when you cry in the shower to mask the sorrow?



How does it feels when you want to run away from everything and just slip away from life.



I guess, now all I can think of is smile to the world. Be courageous, never rely on myself, pray even if I think my request is too small to bother God.

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Weeks ago I had this post. I never managed to post. I'm tired from even thinking about any comments about this post.

ii will always believe... 3/17/2010 10:31:00 PM